Ok, so first off, Im doing this completely from my iPad, so please forgive the grammar mistakes!
Wow. So it defenitely has been a LONG time my last blog entry, almost 6 months! And contrary to popular belief, i assure you that i havent fallen off the face of the earth.
One thing i miss from my "job free" period in the summer, was that i was focusing everything into my church. it was truely life giving, and i learned alot about myself and God. We became close, much closer than i ever couldve dreamed of in my entire life. But eventually, as you may know, being job free brings up some issues, mainly money and stress. Which is what prompted me to make this blog entry, and ill come back to that.
So i seeked out a job and i was lucky enough to land a great job at Apple within just a couple of weeks of searching. But unfortunately, its virtually impossible to make it to church with my schedule from Apple. So, i do the best that i can without being able to attend services. I used to catch the tail end of services via live stream before my computer crashed a couple months ago, and now all i really do is ask God for his guidence, and read my bible. Its so easy now that i can access my bible, in any translation, from anywhere on my iPhone and iPad.
So, anyways... Back to my main reason im making this update: MONEY and STRESS. Only recently these issues have come up alot in my life. For me, money is extremely tight right now and its causing alot of stress. I always tell myself, "Well, its because youre not making as much as you used to." But then again, when i was making more money, it was still tight anyways. So i came to the conclusion (which im pretty sure most of you have come to this as well) that when i feel i do not have enough money or i have too many bills.... I become irritable. it affects my relationship with my fiance, and my relationships in general. And it defenitly affects decisions i make on a day to day basis.
In short, i get stressed out when i feel i have too many bills and too little money. It even affects my self esteem sometimes. For example, whe Jaclyn and i got engaged we decided that it would be best that we didnt have a wedding and just goto the JP. We decided that because we couldnt afford a wedding, so it defenitly affected a big life changing event such as getting married. i felt horrible because i felt like i cant even provide for a simple wedding that she deserves, how is she going to be able to count on me in the future financially?? Luckily, she has made it abundantly clear that her love for me will never be affected by money, or the lack thereof. and thankfully my parents have decided to take care of the wedding for us. Which is completly awesome, but a whole other story in itself.
So, why does money still stress me out??? It seems like the more money i have, the more things i have to pay for. Its a horrible cycle, and i feel like i can never catch a break. So then i got to thinking, "How much is really enough?" Is There any amount of money that will truly make me Happy? (Realistically of course. 10 million would do great, but thats just not in the cards now is it?) Tonight, my conversation with God in prayer went like this:
"So, Father, why does it always seem like i never have enough money? Like there is always a bill or something important that im behind on? Why does this stress build up inside of me uncontrolably?"
"Who is your God."
"Um, is this a trick question?"
"No. Who is your God?"
"Ok, well thats easy. You are. But, what does have to do with money?"
"It has everything to do with it. Its Not just who you say your God is. If someone were to look at your life, who or what would that person say you were putting your trust in?"
"Is this another trick question?"
"There wasnt a first trick question to begin with."
"Ok then. I think theyd say that i put my trust in you."
"Again, its not just what you say. Would people be able to tell from the way you live your life, from the way you spend your money, that your trust is in Me, the creator of heaven and earth? Or would they say you trust in the abilities you have, or the connections you have, or the money you have?"
"Oh. I see where youre going with this.... I think."
"The way you are living right now, is distracted. If you live your life serving money, then you cant serve me and my purpose at the same time. Do you remember that man you walked into the other day leaving work?"
"Yes. I remember he yelled at me. He yelled, 'Hey! Watch where youre walking!!' he was actually pretty mean about it, jeez."
"Thats because you were too busy paying attention to your phone while walking, not watching where you were going."
"Oh yeah.... Distracted."
"Exactly. The same thing applies to your spiritual life with me. You want to be heading one way, but your eyes are focused on something else, like money. and what your eyes are focused on has an effect on what you end up doing and where you end up going, even if it is not what you intended."
See, this is why i love God. I can be so blunt with him, and he'll be blunt right back, putting me back in my place. The answer was so simple, i just couldnt see it right in front of me. "Distracted". I think a lot of us, myself included, live our lives like Money is our god. As if money is going to be able to buy us peace and contentment. We think that having stuff, more stuff, more money to buy stuff, is going to make us happy, but it only leads to discontentment, and ultimately stress. We may be able to give the "right answer" verbally to God, or in church, but are we "living" the right answer? If we are continuing to focus on worldly things instead of focusing on God, then that is going to affect how we live, even if it is not what we intend for our lives.
I realize in order for me to fix this mentality and to eventually reduce the stress that is being caused by it, is not an overnight process. Its going to take some real difficult changes in myself if im going to overcome these stresses and get to a point of enjoying the peace and contentment that comes from God. The first step im taking: refocus on God, and His word.
Father God, please give me the strength i need to focus on you. Give me the confidence i need to set an example for and lead my family. Sometimes i look in the mirror and i do not like what i see. Please let me see myself the way you made me. Allow others to see you shining through me as i follow you. Amen.
